A series of Unfortunate events...

This week was hell....I don't know how I managed to get through it. Oh well, I did.

Two exams in a row, plus the extra stress when you KNEW that this is college and you don't' mess with the professors who will literally screw your grades over and just being...away from home makes you that much nervous.
Hectic...and at the end of the week, its almost...tedious. As much as me being "interested" in learning new knowledge, sometimes you just want to take a break from it all.

Hell...after all the hard work only to find out later on that my grandfather died. Great reward, don't you think? I guess sarcasm just won't do enough for me. I don't know how else to describe this week.

I am just going to use a very strong word...

I hate this week so much.

Maybe words can do more than just the word hate, but to make it short and quick, I guess that's the shortcut. Hate.

Because...how else would you describe this effing situation?

Miss you...

I miss it when we used to stick together to go everywhere and being together every second.

When are you coming home, Azhar?

Smile

There are lots of things that make me smile in the past. Well...not anymore.

I found that there are very few things that can actually make me smile now. I lost the smiling and laughing ability. When I mean smiling and laughing, I don't mean the physical ability, I mean sincerity-wise. I can smile, when people want me to or expect me to. I can laugh, when people want me to or expect me to. But those are not genuine.

You will probably wonder now, if I have sincerely and genuinely smiled or laughed recently. Yes, but very few. I think I am going through that college personality shift. I guess life isn't what I always thought it would be. When I was little, innocence told me that all people are nice, not as bad as daddy and mommy thought they were. Wrong. Not that I have people hurting me now, its just that...they are right. Human beings are selfish. Dad and Mom are right, people are evil.

Haha, you guys probably think I am negative. Don't get me wrong, there are good people in this world. However, like I said, whether they are sincere or not, its really hard to judge. Acting isn't such a hard thing, you know?

Growing up means facing reality and being realistic. I guess.
I envy little children.

But I am thankful for my roommates, my family, and Azhar, those people can actually make me smile sincerely and laugh genuinely. Thank God.

Annoyance

I got back from Houston today.

It feels like I just got back from a vacation. Never in a million years will I thought a place like my HOUSE could be my escape. My sickness went away almost instantly the next day I woke up on my bed. I guess my dad was right, home is like a place for you to refill everything. Energy, happiness, hopes, and, of course, money. My mom just gives me $100 to $200 every two weeks. I need to learn to save money, not spending money.

Bus ride was quick from Houston to Austin. I was hoping it would be a little longer so I can enojy the peaceful feeling I have on the bus. It feels like the bus is a transit of my college life. From place to place, time to time. Bus is becoming my best friend without my realization. It will probably carry my memories around to places after I left UT. Still, it gives me time to relax or to just think about things I didn't want to think about for a while. As for my choice this ride back, I chose to spend my bus ride...napping. Well...I talked to Mary and found that she's a very emotional person. She went through a lot. Someone I can relate to other than Jennifer.

I am a simple, yet, somewhat complicated person. I found all my close friends around me to be...deep thinkers who act goofy all the time on the outside. I guess its the protective color thing that secure them from exposing too much feelings from unnecessary people. I do it too, all the time, I just don't like to mention it. Azhar hated it. But I think I am pretty open to him consider that I don't actually lie to him. I don't mention things to him, but when he asked, I won't deny.

School sucks, even for college. For all you high school people, don't think for a sec that college is better than high school...well the freedom part, maybe. But you know...its solely independent. That's not fair. some people do well even without parents' supervision. Maybe I am just not one of them. But then again, I don't do well either even when my dad got on my ass about school, so...yeah.

I need to do some studying now because someone seem to think that the fact that I got a 100 on the quiz was a joke...I need to prove him wrong. I hope he can realize that being at Duke doesn't mean other people are not working as hard as him. And that, being at UT, looking like I am not studying doesn't actually mean I am not studying. I always feel being looked down by him but seems like he is totally oblivious to it. I hope he realize it soon because its getting intolerable.

In any case...what was I planning to do? Oh yeah, I am going to study. Ok, I am going to study now. Maybe I will be back in like...well, whenever I feel the urge to get something out of my chest, then I will come back.

I still miss home, and I miss him, Azhar.

Alone

It's 8:09 AM in the morning.



I am slowly realizing that maybe college isn't such a great thing. Because now I am sick.

Well, I probably either studied too much, or simply just stayed up too late. But hey, no parents here, so I tend to do whatever they didn't let me do in the past. Now I know why they wouldn't let me do them, just so I don't get sick. It's weird that when you are being controlled by some pressuring force, people just have to fight it, therefore, never truely understood why they were forced to not do certain things. Here I am, typing into this new blog, sick, thinking how I am going to pass that stupid damn chemistry quiz, and learning that no one is here to baby me anymore.



It's funny, I know that I am running a fever, yet, I do not know my own body temperature. Usually your parents come running and try to stick a thermometer into your mouth, but I guess this time I am really on my own.



Now I really miss home.